Rob & Johnny’s Excellent Naked Adventure

1980s summer fun awaits, so don your bikinis and speedos. Private Resort (1985) is tasty low-calorie seasonal fare for movie-lovers of a certain age, mindless entertainment that appeals to baser instincts and tickles the funny bone in the process. For me, it brings back the realities and fantasies of summers long past. What’s it about? Sex, sex and more sex, with a soupçon of slapstick folded in for good measure. 

Like other entries in this familiar 1980s genre dear to my Gen X heart (including Porky’s, Bachelor Party  and The Last American Virgin), this raunchy teen sex comedy is designed to stimulate hormones rather than brain cells. (The pair of bare breasts revealed even before the opening credits have finished rolling will tell the viewer what’s in store.) No deep analysis is required to enjoy this guilty pleasure—just follow the bouncing boobs and buttocks.

 

Private Resort stars Johnny Depp, fresh from his debut in the previous year’s summer slasher Nightmare on Elm Street (where he was famously gobbled up by a bed, exploding in a fountain of fake blood) and Rob Morrow, who would soon find fame in television as the star of the long-running Northern Exposure and films like Robert Redford’s Quiz Show.

Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp, back in the day

This is a Johnny Depp before Captain Jack Sparrow, before Edward Scissorhands, even before 21 Jump Street, whose soon-to-be-iconic film persona is yet unformed. Here, Depp is cute and photogenic, totally at ease before the camera, but does not yet have the opportunity to exude the charisma and quirky originality that his upcoming films will provide him. Indeed, in this one he definitely plays second fiddle to Rob Morrow, who displays a bit more acting polish and comic timing.

 

The movie (I can’t bring myself to call it a ‘film’) is a high ’80s time capsule. You’ll see beautiful babes with tortured, teased and coiffed big hair sprayed to the max, and perpetually horny, geeky dudes (gotta love Depp rocking those rainbow pride shorts and open shirt) trying to score.  The characters attend aerobics class,  drink kamikazes and dance to songs with titles like “Caribbean Heat,” “Club Cabana” and “Miami Calypso.” Sharp-eyed movie fans will even spot a fake Jeff Spicoli (made famous by Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

An inappropriately humorous moment with Johnny Depp and Tony Azito

It's a movie of its time, and some elements are indeed dated. Contemporary viewers may cringe at a few of the jarring jokes that would not go over so well today—including a poolside fat girl sight gag and numerous gay references (Depp pretends to be an effeminate manicurist)—they are uncool and inappropriate, to be sure, but you may nevertheless find yourself giggling in spite of yourself.

 

There is virtually no plot to speak of, but Private Resort does contain elements of the classic bedroom farce, with doors slamming, mistaken identity, paramours hiding in closets and under beds, running down hallways to avoid detection. (You will not mistake it for Molière, however.)  There is an attempt at a half-baked subplot about a diamond heist, but the caper gets lost in the shuffle of boobs and butts.

 

A shirtless Hector Elizondo—not bad, but about that wig?

A skilled and talented supporting cast elevates the flimsy material with a few flashes of comic brilliance. Versatile Hector Elizondo (The Fan, Pretty Woman) is a skilled actor who plays comedy and drama with equal aplomb and has given many a sensitive, touching and memorable performance under the direction of his friend Garry Marshall. Here he amusingly brings a vain and self-centered macho pig gangster character to life, sporting a horribly mangy wig.  

Leslie Easterbrook models the latest swimwear fashion

Busty comedic bombshell Leslie Easterbrook (Laverne & Shirley, Police Academy) who bares almost all in a completely see-through blouse, also exhibits impeccable comic timing in her role of the gangster’s wife Bobbie Sue.

 

Tony Azito (who played the haughty funeral director in Moonstruck) is hilarious as the uptight and supercilious hotel manager who is always being mistaken for a pervert (I believe the more polite term used to be ‘masher’).

The wonderful Dody Goodman

Dody Goodman, beloved to 1970s audiences as the dotty mother of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and the vice principal who stole every scene in Grease (much to Eve Arden’s chagrin), is absolutely hilarious as the wealthy matron who wants to marry off her granddaughter and niece to Depp and Morrow, whom she thinks are young professionals.

 

By the mid-1980s, T&A movies had been around for a couple of decades, mostly centered around female nudity, but by now, these racy comedies had become more democratic, giving equal time to the male and female physiques. Private Resort is no exception,  focusing in particular upon the undraped charms of the two young male leads.

The birthday suits. Who wore it best, Depp or Morrow?

For the first and only time in his career, Johnny Depp strips completely naked for an extended farce sequence, baring his then-slender frame for the camera with nonchalant alacrity. (If you want to see Johnny Depp naked in a movie, this is the only one. An actor’s actor who is most proud of the work he did with Tim Burton, Brando, Polanski and Oliver Stone, he would never appear in the buff again.)

 

Rob Morrow is also coaxed out of all his clothes for a lengthy sequence. (It’s up to the viewer to decide which star looks better in his birthday suit.) You won’t be able to unsee a hyperventilating Dody Goodman, hitting a naked Rob Morrow with her purse, braying in a broad southern accent,“You pervert! You vile degenerate!”

 

All in all, this movie is as amusing as it is titillating. Unabashedly and relentlessly sexual, it’s a total spoof not to be taken seriously. The nakedness and sex (which of course, never actually happens onscreen, because that would be too naughty) are played strictly for laughs. Private Resort is outrageous, silly, trashy, raunchy fun. I rewatch it every summer to relive my impetuous youth.

This is an entry in the Back to 1985 Blogathon hosted by The Midnite Drive In and Hamlette's Soliloquy. Looking forward to traveling back in time with you all.

 

The Da Vinci Code - Fact, Fiction or Just Plain Fun?

With the passing of Pope Francis, the Catholic Church is in the news again as a new conclave will begin the process of choosing the next Pontiff.

As always with a changing of the guard, old conspiracy theories resurface—was Francis the last pope to serve before Judgment Day and Armageddon, as foretold by Saint Malachy in his Prophecy of the Popes, published in 1595? (I guess we’ll find out soon enough.)

The combustible combination of religion and politics can always be counted on to foment a heady brew of feverish storytelling; reminding us of the eternal struggle between good and evil, light and dark, disclosure and secrecy.

Upon its publication in 2003, a novel by Dan Brown titled The Da Vinci Code caused a furor and sent shockwaves around the religious world, purporting to disclose “the greatest cover-up in human history.” It became one of the best-selling books of all time—after the Bible, of course.  In 2006, Ron Howard’s film adaptation of Brown’s tale expanded the story to an even wider audience, and it grossed over $760 million worldwide.

The Da Vinci Code was banned by the Catholic Church—believers were warned not to read the book or see the movie.

Why would this entertaining page-turner, the perfect book to read while on a plane or lounging on the beach, or its faithful film adaptation, an epic adventure tale set in the present day but steeped in history, legend and lore, cause such controversy?

Whatever its deeper meanings, the movie is eminently watchable; have your popcorn ready. It’s a fast-moving and well-plotted if formulaic yarn, woven with history, symbology, cryptology, secret societies, symbology, puzzles and codes (it makes a great double feature with another of my favorite riddle-me-a-puzzle adventure movies, National Treasure.)

An epic adventure that opens and closes at the Pyramid of the Louvre Museum in Paris, Da Vinci Code engagingly dramatizes a legendary quest in contemporary terms—the search for the Holy Grail.

Dr Langdon at the Louvre

Hanks, Tautou and Da Vinci's iconic masterpiece, La Gioconda

When the Louvre’s curator is murdered in what appears to be ritualistic satanic fashion, Harvard professor and symbologist Robert Langdon is whisked away from his book tour to help investigate. There he meets an enigmatic cryptographer for the French police, Sophie Neveu, who warns him that he is walking into a trap and is about to be framed for the murder. Langdon and Sophie’s escape from the Louvre sets the quest for answers in motion.

Later, the Louvre Museum’s curator (Sophie’s grandfather) is revealed to be the Grand Master of the Priory of Sion, a secret society descended from the Knights Templar who protect the secret of the Holy Grail. A church-led posse for the two fugitives is under way.

For The Da Vinci Code, produced by Brian Grazer, Ron Howard’s longtime producing partner, with a screenplay by Akiva Goldsman (who won an Oscar for his screenplay of Howard’s A Beautiful Mind), the Imagine Films team assembled an accomplished and star-studded international cast and spared no expense to bring Dan Brown’s vision to cinematic life.

Tom Hanks (Apollo 13) dons his usual amiable and humorous everyman persona as the erudite Dr. Robert Langdon, the Harvard professor and author with claustrophobic tendencies. Audrey Tautou (Amelie) is Sophie Neveu, the soft-spoken police code breaker with a mysterious past, who does not believe in God or religion but in people.

Paul Bettany as Silas

Bettany torments Tautou

Paul Bettany (Legion), spouse of another Ron Howard favorite, Jennifer Connelly of A Beautiful Mind, plays Silas—an albino monk who has a penchant for self-flagellation with a cat-o-nine-tails. Silas moonlights as a hit man for Opus Dei, a hyper-conservative, fundamentalist sect of the church—definitely not cafeteria Catholics– who are determined to maintain the status quo and prevent the release of any historical information that might upset the institutions of traditional Christianity.

 

Scene-stealer Ian McKellen as Sir Leigh Teabing

As Sir Leigh Teabing, Langdon’s old professor from Harvard called upon to aid in the quest, Sir Ian McKellen (Gods and Monsters) just about steals the film away from the principals, playing every scene with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

Alfred Molina (Prick Up Your Ears, Boogie Nights) as Bishop Manuel Aringarosa, Silas’s puppet master, Jean Reno (The Professional) as a conservative Catholic police chief, and Jurgen Prochnow (The Seventh Sign, Das Boot) as the night manager of a very special bank repository are other standouts in the cast.

 

Alfred Molina as Bishop Manuel Aringarosa

Played against locations of historical and religious significance in London and Paris and environs, and packed with the requisite action and pursuit sequences (the exciting car chase with Sophie driving backward through the crowded Paris streets is particularly memorable), this crowd-pleasing film also delves deeply into Holy Grail history and lore, offering a few history lessons along with imaginative speculation. 

  

Jean Reno as Captain Bezu Fache

The quest is punctuated with cryptic clues as mysteries hidden in riddles and wrapped in enigmas are unraveled:  A blood trail leading to a key. A cryptex holding a papyrus with a map and a riddle inside, that can only be opened with a 5-letter password. Codes and anagrams galore—and, of course, the clues hidden within Leonardo Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa and The Last Supper.

 

Jürgen Prochnow as Andre Vernet

You’ll be treated to a history lesson on the birth of Christianity and the establishment of the Catholic Church by the Roman Empire. Emperor Constantin and the Council of Nicea, the so-called Apocryphal texts that were left out of the Holy Bible, plus a few choice bits of historical trivia along the way (the origin of Friday the 13th, for example). The ‘Rose Line’—the Paris Meridian, a line of longitude that once served as France's prime meridian and is marked on the streets of Paris—points to the way to the ultimate answer the burning question at the film’s climax.

I won’t reveal the big spoiler for those who have not yet read the book or seen the movie…I trust there are not many of you, though! I’ll leave you with one cryptic clue: Ian McKellen’s character calls the secret “the original old wives’ tale:” So dark the con of man.

The Last Supper detail—who is that on the right??

 Mostly regarded as wildly speculative (it is, of course, a work of fiction), Brown’s tale is rooted in a mix of scholarly research combined with conspiracy theories and legends, with just enough fact to make his theories plausible. And Ron Howard’s cinematic storytelling makes the story seem that much more real.

“Witness the greatest cover-up in human history.” To find out more, read the book and see the film.

Incidentally, those following the 2025 papal conclave may also enjoy Dan Brown’s Catholic-themed follow-up novel featuring Robert Langdon, Angels & Demons, also adapted into a Ron Howard film starring Tom Hanks.

This is an entry in the Adventurethon Blogathon hosted by Cinematic Catharsis and Reelweegie Midget Reviews. I look forward to reading everyone's posts!