Rob & Johnny’s Excellent Naked Adventure

1980s summer fun awaits, so don your bikinis and speedos. Private Resort (1985) is tasty low-calorie seasonal fare for movie-lovers of a certain age, mindless entertainment that appeals to baser instincts and tickles the funny bone in the process. For me, it brings back the realities and fantasies of summers long past. What’s it about? Sex, sex and more sex, with a soupçon of slapstick folded in for good measure. 

Like other entries in this familiar 1980s genre dear to my Gen X heart (including Porky’s, Bachelor Party  and The Last American Virgin), this raunchy teen sex comedy is designed to stimulate hormones rather than brain cells. (The pair of bare breasts revealed even before the opening credits have finished rolling will tell the viewer what’s in store.) No deep analysis is required to enjoy this guilty pleasure—just follow the bouncing boobs and buttocks.

 

Private Resort stars Johnny Depp, fresh from his debut in the previous year’s summer slasher Nightmare on Elm Street (where he was famously gobbled up by a bed, exploding in a fountain of fake blood) and Rob Morrow, who would soon find fame in television as the star of the long-running Northern Exposure and films like Robert Redford’s Quiz Show.

Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp, back in the day

This is a Johnny Depp before Captain Jack Sparrow, before Edward Scissorhands, even before 21 Jump Street, whose soon-to-be-iconic film persona is yet unformed. Here, Depp is cute and photogenic, totally at ease before the camera, but does not yet have the opportunity to exude the charisma and quirky originality that his upcoming films will provide him. Indeed, in this one he definitely plays second fiddle to Rob Morrow, who displays a bit more acting polish and comic timing.

 

The movie (I can’t bring myself to call it a ‘film’) is a high ’80s time capsule. You’ll see beautiful babes with tortured, teased and coiffed big hair sprayed to the max, and perpetually horny, geeky dudes (gotta love Depp rocking those rainbow pride shorts and open shirt) trying to score.  The characters attend aerobics class,  drink kamikazes and dance to songs with titles like “Caribbean Heat,” “Club Cabana” and “Miami Calypso.” Sharp-eyed movie fans will even spot a fake Jeff Spicoli (made famous by Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

An inappropriately humorous moment with Johnny Depp and Tony Azito

It's a movie of its time, and some elements are indeed dated. Contemporary viewers may cringe at a few of the jarring jokes that would not go over so well today—including a poolside fat girl sight gag and numerous gay references (Depp pretends to be an effeminate manicurist)—they are uncool and inappropriate, to be sure, but you may nevertheless find yourself giggling in spite of yourself.

 

There is virtually no plot to speak of, but Private Resort does contain elements of the classic bedroom farce, with doors slamming, mistaken identity, paramours hiding in closets and under beds, running down hallways to avoid detection. (You will not mistake it for Molière, however.)  There is an attempt at a half-baked subplot about a diamond heist, but the caper gets lost in the shuffle of boobs and butts.

 

A shirtless Hector Elizondo—not bad, but about that wig?

A skilled and talented supporting cast elevates the flimsy material with a few flashes of comic brilliance. Versatile Hector Elizondo (The Fan, Pretty Woman) is a skilled actor who plays comedy and drama with equal aplomb and has given many a sensitive, touching and memorable performance under the direction of his friend Garry Marshall. Here he amusingly brings a vain and self-centered macho pig gangster character to life, sporting a horribly mangy wig.  

Leslie Easterbrook models the latest swimwear fashion

Busty comedic bombshell Leslie Easterbrook (Laverne & Shirley, Police Academy) who bares almost all in a completely see-through blouse, also exhibits impeccable comic timing in her role of the gangster’s wife Bobbie Sue.

 

Tony Azito (who played the haughty funeral director in Moonstruck) is hilarious as the uptight and supercilious hotel manager who is always being mistaken for a pervert (I believe the more polite term used to be ‘masher’).

The wonderful Dody Goodman

Dody Goodman, beloved to 1970s audiences as the dotty mother of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and the vice principal who stole every scene in Grease (much to Eve Arden’s chagrin), is absolutely hilarious as the wealthy matron who wants to marry off her granddaughter and niece to Depp and Morrow, whom she thinks are young professionals.

 

By the mid-1980s, T&A movies had been around for a couple of decades, mostly centered around female nudity, but by now, these racy comedies had become more democratic, giving equal time to the male and female physiques. Private Resort is no exception,  focusing in particular upon the undraped charms of the two young male leads.

The birthday suits. Who wore it best, Depp or Morrow?

For the first and only time in his career, Johnny Depp strips completely naked for an extended farce sequence, baring his then-slender frame for the camera with nonchalant alacrity. (If you want to see Johnny Depp naked in a movie, this is the only one. An actor’s actor who is most proud of the work he did with Tim Burton, Brando, Polanski and Oliver Stone, he would never appear in the buff again.)

 

Rob Morrow is also coaxed out of all his clothes for a lengthy sequence. (It’s up to the viewer to decide which star looks better in his birthday suit.) You won’t be able to unsee a hyperventilating Dody Goodman, hitting a naked Rob Morrow with her purse, braying in a broad southern accent,“You pervert! You vile degenerate!”

 

All in all, this movie is as amusing as it is titillating. Unabashedly and relentlessly sexual, it’s a total spoof not to be taken seriously. The nakedness and sex (which of course, never actually happens onscreen, because that would be too naughty) are played strictly for laughs. Private Resort is outrageous, silly, trashy, raunchy fun. I rewatch it every summer to relive my impetuous youth.

This is an entry in the Back to 1985 Blogathon hosted by The Midnite Drive In and Hamlette's Soliloquy. Looking forward to traveling back in time with you all.

 

The Devil and Johnny Depp

 A film lover’s Halloween would not be complete without an annual horror movie film festival—mine usually lasts the entire month of October, as the genre is near and dear to my heart. And so is the devilishly attractive Mr. Johnny Depp, so I knew exactly which film I wanted to celebrate this year.

Though not on a scale with modern horror masterpieces like Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, The Omen and The Shining (all among my favorite films), the 1999 Roman Polanski/Johnny Depp collaboration The Ninth Gate is one of my top guilty pleasures. It’s a movie with its tongue planted firmly in its cheek, a darkly comic romp chock full of accoutrements that horror film fans hold dear, including a few spectacularly ghastly murder sequences that plant it firmly in the horror category.

Based upon the 1993 novel The Club Dumas by Arturo Pérez-Reverte, The Ninth Gate pays clever homage to Polanski’s earlier successes, with nods both to Rosemary and to Chinatown, which in turn was deeply influenced by John Huston’s classic The Maltese Falcon. At its heart, it is a mystery thriller adventure brought to life through archetypal characters, played by wonderful actors against a picturesque European backdrop. 

Johnny Depp as Dean Corso

The plot centers around a seductive Black Widow whose über-wealthy husband has just hanged himself, but not before selling her most prized possession, a book that’s purported to summon the Devil. The super-rich businessman who has purchased the supposed magick talisman engages rare book detective Dean Corso to track down the other existing copies to authenticate his own. Cue the cat-and-mouse!
 

A calm, cool and collected Johnny Depp forms the apex of the proceedings, despite the drama and treachery he finds himself immersed in. This is one of Depp’s best performances—his understated interpretation of freelance rare book dealer Dean Corso is quietly magnetic, a far cry from his blustering Captain Jack Sparrow and over-the-top Mad Hatter and Willy Wonka. As a shrewd and brilliant buyer and seller of rare books, Depp’s Corso is a mercenary—heartless and inscrutable, his handsome face a mask— we don’t know what he’s thinking and that is exciting indeed.

Frank Langella as Boris Balkan

The marvelous Frank Langella gives one of his most florid and unrestrained performances as Boris Balkan, the wealthy book collector who hires Corso to compare his copy of the book to two others. It’s clear Langella’s having a ball being bad, especially against the self-possessed and taciturn Corso as skillfully underplayed by Depp.
 

Lena Olin has one of her best roles as a modern-day film noir femme fatale, in the grand tradition of leading ladies from Mary Astor to Rita Hayworth to Faye Dunaway. As deadly ice queen Liana St. Martin Telfer, Olin wants her magickal tome back and will stop at nothing to obtain it, beginning with sexual favors, progressing to scratching and biting Depp with leonine ferocity, and finally knocking him cold with a vicious conk on the head—no postcoital cuddling for this Black Widow!

Lena Olin as Liana St. Martin Telfer

Emmanuelle Seigneur as..."the Girl"

Emmanuelle Seigneur, the wife and muse of director Polanski since the late 1980s, is effective as the mysterious girl who shadows and shepherds Corso throughout his journey, from New York to Spain to Paris and the French countryside. (Indeed, Seigneur’s enigmatic character and the fast-paced Parisian chase scenes recall her debut film with Polanski, Frantic starring Harrison Ford.)

Made the same year as Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, the themes of elites indulging in orgiastic and occult rituals to gain power, pleasure and influence are also apparent here, albeit in a more satirical fashion, with Depp, Olin and company donning campy black cloaks in the obligatory Black Mass sequence for the love of Lucifer. 

All in all, it’s an exciting adventure, the steadily building suspense punctuated by murder, metaphysics and the quirky performances of an international cast of marvelous character actors including Barbara Jefford, James Russo and José López-Rodero, hurtling to a satisfying if not startling climax.

Though it’s chiefly a comic mystery thriller with supernatural overtones, The Ninth Gate is laden with more than enough occult motifs to please the die-hard horror buff. And if you’re a fan of the star, you’ll get a kick out of Depp’s dabblings in the Dark Arts.

All that, and a little eye candy too!

Happy Halloween!

The Dark Side of Daytime TV

“My name is Victoria Winters,” Alexandra Moltke Isles intones as the eerie music swells, dark waves crash against craggy cliffs and the foggy Collinwood estate comes into view. I’m in heaven. Stories of vampires, witches and time-travel enthrall a young gay fifth grader as he rushes home from school to munch cereal in front of the TV as reruns of the gothic soap opera Dark Shadows come on at 4 p.m.

Though Jonathan Frid is hardly a heartthrob as the menacing vampire Barnabas Collins, he’s such a compelling actor that I am transfixed by his every British-inflected syllable. “Miss Wintizzz,” he says in that snooty cultured voice...

Jonathan Frid

Alexandra Moltke (aka Isles)

The great ensemble included Kathryn Leigh Scott as Maggie Evans, Nancy Barrett as Carolyn Stoddard, John Karlen as Willie Loomis, Grayson Hall as Dr. Julia Hoffman, David Henesy as David Collins...and the grand dame herself, old-time movie queen Joan Bennett as Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, the Collins matriarch. Later on, Kate Jackson and David Selby joined the cast.

Grayson Hall

Kathryn Leigh Scott

Nancy Barrett

John Karlen

Joan Bennett

Kate Jackson

David Selby

Created by visionary producer Dan Curtis, Dark Shadows ran for five seasons on ABC and spawned two big-screen adaptations during the series heyday. It was briefly revived in the early 1990s, and I was delighted: British actor Ben Cross was a sleek, sexy new Barnabas in the Christopher Lee vampire mold. Jean Simmons took over the role of Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, and a young Joseph Gordon Levitt played the role of David Collins. Alas, the new nighttime series was preempted several times by ABC News continuing coverage of the first Iraq Gulf War, and quickly cancelled. (But all 12 surviving episodes are available on Hulu.com.) 

Ben Cross

Johnny Depp

As a huge Johnny Depp fan, I eagerly awaited the 2012 remake, hoping against hope that director Tim Burton, who had already made mincemeat (to steal a phrase from Sweeney Todd) of both Planet of the Apes and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, two of my favorite films, would treat Dark Shadows with some degree of seriousness. Alas, my hopes were dashed. The film is a mess. It’s a shame—I sense that Depp and Burton share my recherché taste in film but in their quest to create something new out of something old (and already brilliant), they continue to fail miserably. Mr. Burton should use his old favorites as inspiration for new works instead of trying to update the classics in order to pander to contemporary mass audiences.

Today, lovers of True Blood have Dan Curtis and Dark Shadows to thank for blazing the trail for gothic and gory supernatural television entertainment.

Here’s a great resource for fans of Dark Shadows: Collinwood.net