Rob & Johnny’s Excellent Naked Adventure

1980s summer fun awaits, so don your bikinis and speedos. Private Resort (1985) is tasty low-calorie seasonal fare for movie-lovers of a certain age, mindless entertainment that appeals to baser instincts and tickles the funny bone in the process. For me, it brings back the realities and fantasies of summers long past. What’s it about? Sex, sex and more sex, with a soupçon of slapstick folded in for good measure. 

Like other entries in this familiar 1980s genre dear to my Gen X heart (including Porky’s, Bachelor Party  and The Last American Virgin), this raunchy teen sex comedy is designed to stimulate hormones rather than brain cells. (The pair of bare breasts revealed even before the opening credits have finished rolling will tell the viewer what’s in store.) No deep analysis is required to enjoy this guilty pleasure—just follow the bouncing boobs and buttocks.

 

Private Resort stars Johnny Depp, fresh from his debut in the previous year’s summer slasher Nightmare on Elm Street (where he was famously gobbled up by a bed, exploding in a fountain of fake blood) and Rob Morrow, who would soon find fame in television as the star of the long-running Northern Exposure and films like Robert Redford’s Quiz Show.

Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp, back in the day

This is a Johnny Depp before Captain Jack Sparrow, before Edward Scissorhands, even before 21 Jump Street, whose soon-to-be-iconic film persona is yet unformed. Here, Depp is cute and photogenic, totally at ease before the camera, but does not yet have the opportunity to exude the charisma and quirky originality that his upcoming films will provide him. Indeed, in this one he definitely plays second fiddle to Rob Morrow, who displays a bit more acting polish and comic timing.

 

The movie (I can’t bring myself to call it a ‘film’) is a high ’80s time capsule. You’ll see beautiful babes with tortured, teased and coiffed big hair sprayed to the max, and perpetually horny, geeky dudes (gotta love Depp rocking those rainbow pride shorts and open shirt) trying to score.  The characters attend aerobics class,  drink kamikazes and dance to songs with titles like “Caribbean Heat,” “Club Cabana” and “Miami Calypso.” Sharp-eyed movie fans will even spot a fake Jeff Spicoli (made famous by Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

An inappropriately humorous moment with Johnny Depp and Tony Azito

It's a movie of its time, and some elements are indeed dated. Contemporary viewers may cringe at a few of the jarring jokes that would not go over so well today—including a poolside fat girl sight gag and numerous gay references (Depp pretends to be an effeminate manicurist)—they are uncool and inappropriate, to be sure, but you may nevertheless find yourself giggling in spite of yourself.

 

There is virtually no plot to speak of, but Private Resort does contain elements of the classic bedroom farce, with doors slamming, mistaken identity, paramours hiding in closets and under beds, running down hallways to avoid detection. (You will not mistake it for Molière, however.)  There is an attempt at a half-baked subplot about a diamond heist, but the caper gets lost in the shuffle of boobs and butts.

 

A shirtless Hector Elizondo—not bad, but about that wig?

A skilled and talented supporting cast elevates the flimsy material with a few flashes of comic brilliance. Versatile Hector Elizondo (The Fan, Pretty Woman) is a skilled actor who plays comedy and drama with equal aplomb and has given many a sensitive, touching and memorable performance under the direction of his friend Garry Marshall. Here he amusingly brings a vain and self-centered macho pig gangster character to life, sporting a horribly mangy wig.  

Leslie Easterbrook models the latest swimwear fashion

Busty comedic bombshell Leslie Easterbrook (Laverne & Shirley, Police Academy) who bares almost all in a completely see-through blouse, also exhibits impeccable comic timing in her role of the gangster’s wife Bobbie Sue.

 

Tony Azito (who played the haughty funeral director in Moonstruck) is hilarious as the uptight and supercilious hotel manager who is always being mistaken for a pervert (I believe the more polite term used to be ‘masher’).

The wonderful Dody Goodman

Dody Goodman, beloved to 1970s audiences as the dotty mother of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and the vice principal who stole every scene in Grease (much to Eve Arden’s chagrin), is absolutely hilarious as the wealthy matron who wants to marry off her granddaughter and niece to Depp and Morrow, whom she thinks are young professionals.

 

By the mid-1980s, T&A movies had been around for a couple of decades, mostly centered around female nudity, but by now, these racy comedies had become more democratic, giving equal time to the male and female physiques. Private Resort is no exception,  focusing in particular upon the undraped charms of the two young male leads.

The birthday suits. Who wore it best, Depp or Morrow?

For the first and only time in his career, Johnny Depp strips completely naked for an extended farce sequence, baring his then-slender frame for the camera with nonchalant alacrity. (If you want to see Johnny Depp naked in a movie, this is the only one. An actor’s actor who is most proud of the work he did with Tim Burton, Brando, Polanski and Oliver Stone, he would never appear in the buff again.)

 

Rob Morrow is also coaxed out of all his clothes for a lengthy sequence. (It’s up to the viewer to decide which star looks better in his birthday suit.) You won’t be able to unsee a hyperventilating Dody Goodman, hitting a naked Rob Morrow with her purse, braying in a broad southern accent,“You pervert! You vile degenerate!”

 

All in all, this movie is as amusing as it is titillating. Unabashedly and relentlessly sexual, it’s a total spoof not to be taken seriously. The nakedness and sex (which of course, never actually happens onscreen, because that would be too naughty) are played strictly for laughs. Private Resort is outrageous, silly, trashy, raunchy fun. I rewatch it every summer to relive my impetuous youth.

This is an entry in the Back to 1985 Blogathon hosted by The Midnite Drive In and Hamlette's Soliloquy. Looking forward to traveling back in time with you all.